Bunny’s Babblings

I feel like I’ve spent the last several years of my life holding back. 

When my marriage ended, I went through grief, anger and even numbness.  I think I allowed the numb stage too much of a hold ..  I didn’t see the point in holding onto anger, disappointment or betrayal … but I think I slowed the healing process down in not allowing myself to sooner *feel* the full force of these things.  Is it really “bad’ to give into sorrw and anger and such “negative” emotions?  .   I wonder if I’d tossed caution and restraint out the window if I might have been able to truly feel free of that part of my past sooner?

I just wonder  … is it better to use caution with matters of the heart and with finances and really, one’s life? I don’t mean to suggest that living in wild abandon is the way to go .. but I wonder if being so *careful* is good .. at least for me?  In the last 5 or so years I feel I’ve moderated myself so much.  It’s certainly not good to rack up thousands of dollars in debt trying to keep abreast of the latest and greatest gadgets .. but a little debt for the sake of a few things that would bring greater connection, and that would allow some indulgence of passions and hobbies – would that be a bad thing? 

I’ve not really got myself “out there” so to speak … haven’t dated, haven’t sought out much in the way of new *real life* groups or activities.  In 5 years, there’s been less than half a dozen adult nights out .. and I don’t think that’s a good thing.  It’s easy to blame it on not having the money to go out, or wanting to be careful about who I meet, or worrying about The Child, or thinking I needed to sort myself out first … but I think I have had enough of the introspection .. I think no one is ever “done” .. there’s not going to be some perfect point to find someone … I think I’m in a much better place than I was and maybe I need to stop expecting myself to get everything figured out before I take a step forward ….

Does waiting make the reward sweeter? Or does it mean the reward never comes?

There’ll always be reasons *not* to do things, not to spend the money, not to take the chance, not to give one’s heart….

but I think perhaps I’ve kept my desires, longings, wants, wishes *too* tightly in check …..

I think I spend too much time worrying and not enough time *doing* .. I think .. I need to let go of fear and let go of this unrealistic idea of perfection I’ve been trying to push myself towards ….

it’s past time to let in some more laughter, fun, joy and love ….