Stuff

So it’s been forever since I wrote. That’s partly due to my laptop deciding to go belly-up on me awhile ago. Partly due to Life stuff and partly just Me just being me.

So, just some general updates ….

I’ve been getting new meds for the RA via weekly shots and they have got my bloodwork looking more normal than it has in a very very long time, yay!

The Child and I have moved, wheee? This is a good thing, just a lot of hot and hard work and not easy when battling health issues and financial issues, but we’re almost at the end of it.

Talking of The Child, he’s on a push-my-buttons rampage lately, joy.

What else?

I knit two shawls and a tank top this summer. Managed to get to the beach with The Child several times. Lined up a teaching gig! That’s exciting and a little unnerving since it’ll be my first time teaching a knitting workshop. Haven’t read anything that stands out in a while … must remedy that! A big thing for me, I got out the DSLR camera for something other than a quick snapshot for the first time in 18 months. The combo of RA and Fibromyalgia made it to hard to hold and carry. The camera for so long. I am so glad I could get out for some shooting and hope I can do more soon. One of the challenges is figuring out how to manage both camera and cane together.

I’m sure there’s more, but that’s as much writing as I can manage in one go tonight!

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Blues

I seem to have started the New Year off with a bad case of The Blues.

It’s so hard to know how much of it is SAD, post-holiday blues, dealing with my ongoing health issues, and how much is Depression rearing it’s ugly head.

I don’t talk about my Depression much.  I was taught it was something to be ashamed of, that I should be able to “pull up my socks”, “shake it off”, “think of all the things (I) should be grateful for”, “just DECIDE to be happy!”.

You know what. It does NOT work THAT WAY!

This is a Medical Condition.  It is a Disease just as much as my RA is a disease, just as much as someone else’s Diabetes is a disease.  I CAN’T control the feelings of sadness or flatness or bleah that overwhelm me.  It can be anything from a dull achey kind of depression to a “I wish I could just dissappear” kind of feeling.  It’s sudden teariness over a sad song, or cute picture, or just completely from nowhere.  It’s not wanting to get out of my jammies.  For two days straight.  Maybe more.  It’s not being able to make myself leave the house.  It’s barely eating, only managing to make sure the kiddo is getting decently fed.  It’s not wanting to talk on the phone.

It’s chatting online and feeling so fake every time I write “lol”.  It’s not wanting to pick up the knitting needles, or maybe it’s eating all the cookies, or maybe it’s sitting on my bed with one sock on for the last 30 minutes.

It’s trying not to listen to the “shoulds” in my head telling me I should shake it off, that I should be thankful for what I DO have, telling me I need to just get outside and get some fresh air. It’s trying not to beat myself up for eating those cookies, or trying to chase away the voice that says I’m alays going to be alone.

It’s spending too long online hoping somehow to connect to someone, hoping somehow to feel less alone, less isolated, to be able to believe somebody cares.

It’s the rational mind fighting the emotions.  One part of the brain trying to say “You DO have friends, you are NOT alone, others go through this, you CAN get through, it WILL get better”, all the while the part in charge of the emotions is screaming “then when am I going to FEEL better? Why do I FEEL so alone? Why am I so SAD and ANXIOUS and feeling so OUT of resources” Why do I feel so low, so blue?

*sigh*

 

 

 

I’m scared to post this.

 

I’m gonna anyways.

Poor Neglected Blog

Boy have I been absent from here! To make a very long story short, for anyone still following this thing who doesn’t already know, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis this summer. It’s not been a fun few months, and I don’t seem to be responding yet to the meds, which is frustrating.

Learning to live with chronic pain and fatigue has been extremely challenging.  My limits can vary greatly from day-to-day, making it hard to plan. I’ve been off work for about five months now, and that was a surprisingly difficult adjustment.  I bet many people think they’d welcome such a break from their jobs, but trust me, it has NOT been a vacation! Doctor appointments, specialist appointments, blood work, testing, fighting with the insurance company, on top of trying to cope with daily life when suddenly every task has become so much harder, when many taken for granted things have become difficult or even impossible.  Something as simple as walking can cause me a great deal of pain, and my main hobbies of reading, photography and knitting have become things I have to really limit in my day, even having days where holding a book, a camera, or trying to work a few stitches is too much.

I had a couple of good weeks in the early Fall and I’m thankful I got a bit of a break.  I’m disappointed to be struggling as much as I am now and for the moment the doctors are unsure how much is weather related, how much is the RA, and how much is perhaps something else.

Learning to “roll with it” is not easy for me.  I am big on Control and Plans and Taking Charge.  I believe in hard work, in “pulling up your socks”, in 3 month plans, in 5 year plans, in saving for a rainy day … and life is just laughing at me right now it feels like! Hopefully soon I’ll get to the point where I can laugh back at life more!

One Month In

One month into the New Year.

Too much snacking this past week, but overall eating habits are still better than they were.

Weather got too damn cold for walks far too often!  The days it was milder seemed to be my busiest, so didn’t get out much last week.  Did get out for a longer walk yesterday though!

Knitting, finished the baby gift for my brother & sister-in-law’s newest, who was born Sat jan 22nd at 4:30 am, welcome to the world baby B!  Also knit mittens & fingerless mitts for a swap.  Finally got the zipper sewn into my sweater, so it just needs an I-cord or something similar to finish the edge off as the neck looks too sloppy for my taste as is.  Also got the buttons onto my Amelia & am in fact, wearing it right now!  Knit a Dalek washclosh to EXTERMINATE! the dirt, heehee!  Coming alogn nicely on a stranded colourwork project, finally feeling I’ve got the general hang of that.  Convinced a co-worker to pick up the knitting needles after she’d had a long break from the craft. So I’d say it’s been a good month knit wise!

Health-wise & financially, this month has sucked hugely & unfortunately things aren’t about to get any better in either department.  Probably better not to get into details on a public blog, but some big things are going to have to change fast.  ugh.

Anyways, there’a little update from me!

Confusion

My life seems to be full of uncertainty and confusion at the moment.

I can’t seem to work out what it is I’d really like to do job wise.  Where it is I’d really like to live.  What it is that would help bring more happiness, contentment, joy, laughter, fufillment to my life.

I’m not looking for a magic fix. I know life isn’t perfect. I know the journey can be as important as wherever it is we think we’re headed.  But when it doesn’t feel like you’re headed anywhere, that’s pretty damn discouraging.

Friendships seem to be in flux.  Distance, time, geography, stage of life, and such things seem to have placed me at a distance from those I was once close to.

One in particular continues to puzzle and confuse me.  We were so close just a couple years ago. He spoke about the importance of vulnerability, openness & honesty.  We shared painful things, scary things, and seemed to make a deep connection.  Yet since then, he’s pushed me away, shut me out, refused to let me very far into his life.  I find it hard not to be hurt.

I know friendships come & go.  Doesn’t make it easier to feel the lack of any close ones.

checkin’ in

So, doing pretty good with my goals!

Managed a walk every day but last Friday & then Sunday (which I’d given myself off), but got in extra Thursday, so I’m ok with that. Lunches have been consistently smaller & I’ve added 2 servings of veggies a day to my diet.  Snacks are a tough one for me & I’m happy to have managed several nights without.

I finished the gift I was knitting & am making good progress on the swap knit.  Wtill need to finish my cardigan, but the zipper I bought isn’t the right length, phoo.

Anyways, nothing exciting!

hoarse

One of the things I’ve been struggling with for nearly a year now is hoarseness, an on again & off again sore throat and a weariness that can go from mild to bone aching and teary. It is incredibly frustrating to have been battling this for so long and seem not to be any closer to feeling better!

In this time, I’ve taken 3 courses of antibiotics, 1 course of prednisone, 10 days super-stonr prescription strength cough syrup, 3 diferent inhalers and an asthma medication in pill form.  There has been some positive improvement, just not in the original complaint; I am thrilled to have shaken my constant-for-I-don’t-know-how-many-years-cough!  I still cough a bit, but nowhere near what I used to.  This is a result of seeing an asthma specialist for the first time in 20-odd years.  She discovered that my lung capacity was absolutely lousy & I’ve been on Singulair and Advair for about 2 months now as a result. 

As for the throat and voice though, there’s no improvement on that front.  I’ve seen an Ear, Nose & Throat doctor who was at least able to ascertain there wasn’t anything gorwing where it oughten to be. 

I’ve tried collodial silver, gargling with salt water and various herbs. I’ve been using a neti pot which has done a great job of clearing up my perpetual post-nasal drip. I cleaned the house throughly, steam cleaning all the carpets & washing every surface in my room.  At the asthma speciliast’s recommendation, the dog has been kicked out of the bedroom.  All of which has resulted in improved breathing at night, but not helped the perpetual tiredness, or the throat & voice issues. 

I’m back to the doctor at the end of this month and frankly am about ready to stomp my feet over this.  Sure hope she’s got some ideas for what to try next!

starting over

*WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH*

That was the sound of the dust being blown away with the neighbour’s leaf blower!

blah blah blah been away too long, blah blah blah, rambling, whingine, blah blah, let’s just get on with it!

not sure what i want to do with this sucker, other than try and track accomplishments, whether small or big.  Going to try to worry less about acceptance, what others think, about being “good enough”. Sometimes it’s going to be doing SOMETHING however small. Hopefully there’ll be some bigger stuff in there too, but whatever. It is what it is.

Today’s achievement:

getting off my arse and OUTSIDE at lunchtime in the COLD and the SNOW!  2 rounds of snowshoeing in old-style snowshoes around the snowsnake track & one on foot (slippery!  today I learned that snowshoes have good traction on ice!)  Roughly 15 min, maybe a smidge more.

completed client’s artwork, yeay (and hey, I remembered I LIKE playing in photoshop)

made calls I didn’t want to instead of procrastinating on them.

and signed up for the Biggest Loser competition at work. again.  but this time I’d like to actually LOSE weight.

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So ….

All right now that the book recap is up,  maybe I’ll babble a little.

Expect I’m not too sure what to babble about.  My personal policy has always been not to share more than vague generalities about work, so that’s out even though it’s sucking up a lot of brain power, and not in a very positive way. 

Although that does remind me of a topic that’s been frustrating me of late.  Gratefulness.  Is it just me, or has there been a stronger push the last couple of years for people to feel grateful for what they have & quit complaining?  Absolutely, it’s wonderful to appreciate what you DO have, to count your blessings, to be thankful for the good and the privileges and freedoms we have. Yes, I am lucky to live where I do, when I do, and yes, I have it better than many, many others in the big old world.

BUT I feel like the push to feel grateful has for some time been to the point where people’s feelings, frustrations, stresses, problems are all being negated.  Is it helpful to push down any negative emotion and tell ourselves or others to just suck it up and be glad for what IS good in our lives?  I don’t think we should be Eeyores who are full of “woe is me” all the time, but Pollyanna Sunshine isn’t a better state of being in my opinion. The human experience is about a RANGE of emotions. 

Also, how will I reach for better if I don’t acknowledge where I am dissatisfied?  How will I ever make changes in my life if I tell myself things are good as they are?  What happens to my frustration and disappointment when I bottle it up, stuff it down deep inside because I am trying to tell myself I am lucky all the time?

Why is it so wrong to be unhappy with things that aren’t good?

Honestly, I am NOT happy with my life right now.  Refusing to acknowledge that does not help.

It’s one of the things that keeps me from writing; I don’t feel like pretending, but I have allowed the public opinion of grateful as ideal as well as my own mixed up thinking to condition myself to thinking that sharing my unhappiness is whiny and selfish and unattractive and I should just STFU.

I’m tired of feeling like I should be grateful for what I have and feeling like I don’t have the right to wish and hope and want for more.

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