I seem to have started the New Year off with a bad case of The Blues.
It’s so hard to know how much of it is SAD, post-holiday blues, dealing with my ongoing health issues, and how much is Depression rearing it’s ugly head.
I don’t talk about my Depression much. I was taught it was something to be ashamed of, that I should be able to “pull up my socks”, “shake it off”, “think of all the things (I) should be grateful for”, “just DECIDE to be happy!”.
You know what. It does NOT work THAT WAY!
This is a Medical Condition. It is a Disease just as much as my RA is a disease, just as much as someone else’s Diabetes is a disease. I CAN’T control the feelings of sadness or flatness or bleah that overwhelm me. It can be anything from a dull achey kind of depression to a “I wish I could just dissappear” kind of feeling. It’s sudden teariness over a sad song, or cute picture, or just completely from nowhere. It’s not wanting to get out of my jammies. For two days straight. Maybe more. It’s not being able to make myself leave the house. It’s barely eating, only managing to make sure the kiddo is getting decently fed. It’s not wanting to talk on the phone.
It’s chatting online and feeling so fake every time I write “lol”. It’s not wanting to pick up the knitting needles, or maybe it’s eating all the cookies, or maybe it’s sitting on my bed with one sock on for the last 30 minutes.
It’s trying not to listen to the “shoulds” in my head telling me I should shake it off, that I should be thankful for what I DO have, telling me I need to just get outside and get some fresh air. It’s trying not to beat myself up for eating those cookies, or trying to chase away the voice that says I’m alays going to be alone.
It’s spending too long online hoping somehow to connect to someone, hoping somehow to feel less alone, less isolated, to be able to believe somebody cares.
It’s the rational mind fighting the emotions. One part of the brain trying to say “You DO have friends, you are NOT alone, others go through this, you CAN get through, it WILL get better”, all the while the part in charge of the emotions is screaming “then when am I going to FEEL better? Why do I FEEL so alone? Why am I so SAD and ANXIOUS and feeling so OUT of resources” Why do I feel so low, so blue?
I’m scared to post this.
I’m gonna anyways.