Lost

Have you ever felt lost in your life or yourself?  I’ve been feeling that way for some time myself and haven’t a clue how to get un-lost.

For me, it’s a pervasive feeling of melancholy that haunts me. It’s a fading of my passion, the loss of joy in things I previously found deeply satisfying.  I don’t mean to say I’m miserable all the time; I’m certainly not!  I still laugh and have silly moments, especially with The Child. but I feel empty at my heart, hollow. 

There’s no over-reaching purpose to my life, no big goals I seem to be pursuing, no raison d’etre.

I feel guilty that raising my child doesn’t seem to fill this hollow space within me, and wonder why that’s not “enough” for me.  Why is it not enough to simply BE, why can’t I believe that I am here and therefore must matter in some way?

I feel like I am wandering aimlessly through my life.  I’ve ambled along without much thought to where I’m going for some time now, struggled with many of the same issues in my life for so long without feeling like there’s been progress or rewards or well, anything gained from much of the struggles.

When I try to think of what I long for, I don’t feel any sense of hope or happy anticipation, but rather filled with sorrow and frustration.  There’s a voice in my head that asks what the point is, that says I’ve searched for the same things for so long and not gotten any answers, and how do you keep going when it feels like you’re constantly trapped within a circled wall? It feels like I’ve been told NO to the things I really wanted so I don’t let myself dream much of those anymore, but there aren’t any dreams that are willing to stand in.

These thoughts aren’t nearly as coherent as i wish I could make them .. but ultimately the first thought describes it best. I am simply LOST.

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Book Binge Again!

Yay it’s April & that means, Book Binge Month!

I first heard about this  through “It’s Not All Mary Poppins“.  The rules for this are simple:

1. For the month of April, keep track of the books you read.

2. On May 1, post your list on your blog. 

You may include books you re-read, as you re-read them between April 1 and 30.  You may also include books you start but don’t finish, just note the page you gave it on or roughly what percentage you read.  Children’s books should be at least 125 pages long to be counted. (Books you read to your children, if they are at least 125 pages, would also count.) If you wish to participate, leave a comment with link here!

Happy reading!