checkin’ in

So, doing pretty good with my goals!

Managed a walk every day but last Friday & then Sunday (which I’d given myself off), but got in extra Thursday, so I’m ok with that. Lunches have been consistently smaller & I’ve added 2 servings of veggies a day to my diet.  Snacks are a tough one for me & I’m happy to have managed several nights without.

I finished the gift I was knitting & am making good progress on the swap knit.  Wtill need to finish my cardigan, but the zipper I bought isn’t the right length, phoo.

Anyways, nothing exciting!

hoarse

One of the things I’ve been struggling with for nearly a year now is hoarseness, an on again & off again sore throat and a weariness that can go from mild to bone aching and teary. It is incredibly frustrating to have been battling this for so long and seem not to be any closer to feeling better!

In this time, I’ve taken 3 courses of antibiotics, 1 course of prednisone, 10 days super-stonr prescription strength cough syrup, 3 diferent inhalers and an asthma medication in pill form.  There has been some positive improvement, just not in the original complaint; I am thrilled to have shaken my constant-for-I-don’t-know-how-many-years-cough!  I still cough a bit, but nowhere near what I used to.  This is a result of seeing an asthma specialist for the first time in 20-odd years.  She discovered that my lung capacity was absolutely lousy & I’ve been on Singulair and Advair for about 2 months now as a result. 

As for the throat and voice though, there’s no improvement on that front.  I’ve seen an Ear, Nose & Throat doctor who was at least able to ascertain there wasn’t anything gorwing where it oughten to be. 

I’ve tried collodial silver, gargling with salt water and various herbs. I’ve been using a neti pot which has done a great job of clearing up my perpetual post-nasal drip. I cleaned the house throughly, steam cleaning all the carpets & washing every surface in my room.  At the asthma speciliast’s recommendation, the dog has been kicked out of the bedroom.  All of which has resulted in improved breathing at night, but not helped the perpetual tiredness, or the throat & voice issues. 

I’m back to the doctor at the end of this month and frankly am about ready to stomp my feet over this.  Sure hope she’s got some ideas for what to try next!

starting over

*WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH*

That was the sound of the dust being blown away with the neighbour’s leaf blower!

blah blah blah been away too long, blah blah blah, rambling, whingine, blah blah, let’s just get on with it!

not sure what i want to do with this sucker, other than try and track accomplishments, whether small or big.  Going to try to worry less about acceptance, what others think, about being “good enough”. Sometimes it’s going to be doing SOMETHING however small. Hopefully there’ll be some bigger stuff in there too, but whatever. It is what it is.

Today’s achievement:

getting off my arse and OUTSIDE at lunchtime in the COLD and the SNOW!  2 rounds of snowshoeing in old-style snowshoes around the snowsnake track & one on foot (slippery!  today I learned that snowshoes have good traction on ice!)  Roughly 15 min, maybe a smidge more.

completed client’s artwork, yeay (and hey, I remembered I LIKE playing in photoshop)

made calls I didn’t want to instead of procrastinating on them.

and signed up for the Biggest Loser competition at work. again.  but this time I’d like to actually LOSE weight.

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So ….

All right now that the book recap is up,  maybe I’ll babble a little.

Expect I’m not too sure what to babble about.  My personal policy has always been not to share more than vague generalities about work, so that’s out even though it’s sucking up a lot of brain power, and not in a very positive way. 

Although that does remind me of a topic that’s been frustrating me of late.  Gratefulness.  Is it just me, or has there been a stronger push the last couple of years for people to feel grateful for what they have & quit complaining?  Absolutely, it’s wonderful to appreciate what you DO have, to count your blessings, to be thankful for the good and the privileges and freedoms we have. Yes, I am lucky to live where I do, when I do, and yes, I have it better than many, many others in the big old world.

BUT I feel like the push to feel grateful has for some time been to the point where people’s feelings, frustrations, stresses, problems are all being negated.  Is it helpful to push down any negative emotion and tell ourselves or others to just suck it up and be glad for what IS good in our lives?  I don’t think we should be Eeyores who are full of “woe is me” all the time, but Pollyanna Sunshine isn’t a better state of being in my opinion. The human experience is about a RANGE of emotions. 

Also, how will I reach for better if I don’t acknowledge where I am dissatisfied?  How will I ever make changes in my life if I tell myself things are good as they are?  What happens to my frustration and disappointment when I bottle it up, stuff it down deep inside because I am trying to tell myself I am lucky all the time?

Why is it so wrong to be unhappy with things that aren’t good?

Honestly, I am NOT happy with my life right now.  Refusing to acknowledge that does not help.

It’s one of the things that keeps me from writing; I don’t feel like pretending, but I have allowed the public opinion of grateful as ideal as well as my own mixed up thinking to condition myself to thinking that sharing my unhappiness is whiny and selfish and unattractive and I should just STFU.

I’m tired of feeling like I should be grateful for what I have and feeling like I don’t have the right to wish and hope and want for more.

book binge results

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I know this should’ve been posted ages ago. I’ve been ignoring the blog more & more.  Can’t decide if I want to keep it going or not.  Not many reading it these days .. though why should anyone with the neglect? lol

Anyways, here’s April’s list of books

A Place Called Here – Cecelia Ahern
Spellbinder – Melanie Rawn
Lunatic Cafe – Laurell K Hamilton
Dreamcatcher – Stephen King
started Attack of the Unsinkable Rubber Ducks, couldn’t get into it
The Original Cyn – Sue Margolis
Angels & Demons – Dan Brown
Swallowing Darkness – Laurell K Hamilton
Predatory Games – Christine Feehan
The Light Fantastic – Terry Pratchett
Let Your Life Speak – Parker J. Palmer

Lost

Have you ever felt lost in your life or yourself?  I’ve been feeling that way for some time myself and haven’t a clue how to get un-lost.

For me, it’s a pervasive feeling of melancholy that haunts me. It’s a fading of my passion, the loss of joy in things I previously found deeply satisfying.  I don’t mean to say I’m miserable all the time; I’m certainly not!  I still laugh and have silly moments, especially with The Child. but I feel empty at my heart, hollow. 

There’s no over-reaching purpose to my life, no big goals I seem to be pursuing, no raison d’etre.

I feel guilty that raising my child doesn’t seem to fill this hollow space within me, and wonder why that’s not “enough” for me.  Why is it not enough to simply BE, why can’t I believe that I am here and therefore must matter in some way?

I feel like I am wandering aimlessly through my life.  I’ve ambled along without much thought to where I’m going for some time now, struggled with many of the same issues in my life for so long without feeling like there’s been progress or rewards or well, anything gained from much of the struggles.

When I try to think of what I long for, I don’t feel any sense of hope or happy anticipation, but rather filled with sorrow and frustration.  There’s a voice in my head that asks what the point is, that says I’ve searched for the same things for so long and not gotten any answers, and how do you keep going when it feels like you’re constantly trapped within a circled wall? It feels like I’ve been told NO to the things I really wanted so I don’t let myself dream much of those anymore, but there aren’t any dreams that are willing to stand in.

These thoughts aren’t nearly as coherent as i wish I could make them .. but ultimately the first thought describes it best. I am simply LOST.

Book Binge Again!

Yay it’s April & that means, Book Binge Month!

I first heard about this  through “It’s Not All Mary Poppins“.  The rules for this are simple:

1. For the month of April, keep track of the books you read.

2. On May 1, post your list on your blog. 

You may include books you re-read, as you re-read them between April 1 and 30.  You may also include books you start but don’t finish, just note the page you gave it on or roughly what percentage you read.  Children’s books should be at least 125 pages long to be counted. (Books you read to your children, if they are at least 125 pages, would also count.) If you wish to participate, leave a comment with link here!

Happy reading!

a bird in the hand


a bird in the hand

Originally uploaded by bluebunny

The Child  & I visited the Wye Marsh in Midland yesterday for their annual Sweetwater Festival and had a wonderful time cooking & tasting bannock, watching the trumpeter swans, tasting the maple syrup poured over snow, and my favourite part, feeding the chickadees. I had three of them eating out of my hand and am thrilled to have managed a decent picture of one here!

Book Binge Time Approaching!

Wow, the time is really flying by here!  March Break is next week already, and coming up soon is April, Book Binge Month

a few random snippets …

I worked the Golf & Travel Show in Toronto last weekend and the show itself was great, but what a pity to be stuck inside on the first wonderfully sunny & mild weekend of the year!  Woudn’t you guess, this weekend’s forecast is full of rain!  Gotta love the sense of humour of the universe, eh?

Knitting stuff …Finished knitting the sweater for my niece, just need to add the button loops, will post up a pic once it’s completely done. I’ve completely lost my sock knitting mojo. It’s taken me almost 3 months for the current pair of socks and I still have the leg to do.  It doesn’t help that they aren’t even for me.  I need to find a way to snap this both to get this promised project finished, and because I desperately need to work on replacing my handknit socks! I’ve lost 3 pairs this year already due to holes, wahh!

Kid stuff ….  term 3 report card came home this week & The Child’s marks are mostly C’s. No real sense of why, so have asked for a follow-up call.  On the plus side, he got a B in English – his reading and printing have both improved greatly from first term, something both he & I are proud of him for!

Life, the unvierse, everything …. not much to really report on the rest …. life pretty much continues. no progress in getting the divorce finalized. no hint of romance anywhere. finances continue to be challenging. life is what it is.

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