Lost

Have you ever felt lost in your life or yourself?  I’ve been feeling that way for some time myself and haven’t a clue how to get un-lost.

For me, it’s a pervasive feeling of melancholy that haunts me. It’s a fading of my passion, the loss of joy in things I previously found deeply satisfying.  I don’t mean to say I’m miserable all the time; I’m certainly not!  I still laugh and have silly moments, especially with The Child. but I feel empty at my heart, hollow. 

There’s no over-reaching purpose to my life, no big goals I seem to be pursuing, no raison d’etre.

I feel guilty that raising my child doesn’t seem to fill this hollow space within me, and wonder why that’s not “enough” for me.  Why is it not enough to simply BE, why can’t I believe that I am here and therefore must matter in some way?

I feel like I am wandering aimlessly through my life.  I’ve ambled along without much thought to where I’m going for some time now, struggled with many of the same issues in my life for so long without feeling like there’s been progress or rewards or well, anything gained from much of the struggles.

When I try to think of what I long for, I don’t feel any sense of hope or happy anticipation, but rather filled with sorrow and frustration.  There’s a voice in my head that asks what the point is, that says I’ve searched for the same things for so long and not gotten any answers, and how do you keep going when it feels like you’re constantly trapped within a circled wall? It feels like I’ve been told NO to the things I really wanted so I don’t let myself dream much of those anymore, but there aren’t any dreams that are willing to stand in.

These thoughts aren’t nearly as coherent as i wish I could make them .. but ultimately the first thought describes it best. I am simply LOST.

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7 Comments

  1. Ruprecht said,

    April 8, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Rupe’s felt the same way before, Bunny.

    Faith … prayer … and turning my concerns to the betterment of others instead of me has been helpful.

    • bluebunny said,

      April 8, 2010 at 1:27 pm

      has not been able to pray in a very very long time Rupe. my difficulties with my faith is certainly part of this feeling of being lost. I do try for the “betterment of others” but perhaps it’s nto personal enough, perhaps it’s too removed?

  2. Nan said,

    April 8, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    I’ve felt that way at times too.

    One thing that I found helpful was when I realized that my dreams and goals were not impossible, just not possible at that moment.

    And, speaking as a mother, please don’t feel guilty that The Child is not your raison d’etre. He shouldn’t be. Helping him to grow into a good person is a noble task, but it is not your life. It is a responsibility and, in good times a joy, but it is not all there is to you.

    • bluebunny said,

      April 8, 2010 at 1:32 pm

      Thanks Nan. I think I’ve lost hope that my dreams *are* possible. So how to find that hope again, or how to dream new dreams is where I sit.

      As to the second point, it’s incredibly reassuraing to have someone say that. I know riasing my child is a very important (and time-consuming, lol!) task, but it seems to me that if it *were* my raison d’etre than where would I be once he’s grown & flown the nest? Not that I don’t think that’ll be a tough adjustment, but it *seems* to me it’s healthier nto to make our children our whole world. Yet there seems to be such pressure from society to do just that. I have been directly told by well-meaning people that I should focus *more* on The child, that I should be content to have his upbringing be my only purpose.

      • Nan said,

        April 8, 2010 at 4:10 pm

        One thing I learned from the moment I got pregnant with my first child, some people think they now have permission to comment on things that are none of their business. I went back to work right after my first was born. I heard a lot about how I should be at home with my son. (how I was to feed said son without the job seemed to be lost on them.) And, at the same time, a friend who also had a new baby was hearing that she shouldn’t be staying at home, she should be working. Can’t win for losing.

        Besides it isn’t good for a kid to be the sole focus of anyone either. It’s too much pressure on them. IMO, it is much better for a child to have a happy, fulfilled mother than to be the center of her universe. We all have to find our own balance and ignore all the biddy-bodies that think they know what is right. All that matters is that you do your best by The Child and follow your own path.

  3. Craig said,

    April 17, 2010 at 1:10 am

    Humankind has always been “Lost”. It is a disease that comes from being Human. Since we crawled into the caves we have searched for who, what and why we simply are. Religion, has attempted to fill this void we all feel, but alas because it was Human made it was/is doomed to not succeed for many.

    We “Are” who WE perceive we are, for when that final breath is expelled, and our brain speed reads our lives. It is that perception of our-self that we carry forward to the “Unknown”. So it is up to just us to make that perception, the best we can.

    I have known you for 6 to 7 years Bunny, and during that time, I have found you, and you were as far from “Lost” as anyone could be. You have dealt with numerous difficulties, and losses over the past years, and are still striving to survive. You are Intelligent(Too at times), Kind, Honest, Loyal, Caring, Physically Lovely and a great friend and Mother.

    So why should a person with all these wonderful attributes feel “Lost”. Well one very solid reason is called “Mental Protection Mode” or simple Depression/Blues. Our brains can handle lots when we are in the Fight/Flight Mode of stress, and you have been in that Mode for a few years. To compound that you have also been unable to secure somethings down that you want to. Then comes that Lovely above average Intelligence of yours, and time………………………very very normal Bunny.

    Cure:- Time, Love, Friends, and taking that brain away from every thought to peace & quite once a day every day for at least an hour. This will allow your brain the time it needs to heal its self. Counselors, Friends, Priests, Doctors can help guide you if you need the assistance.

    You have lots of friends for support Bunny, simple because in your life you have touched, and helped many. Now it is your turn to allow us to help you find not the BlueBunny, but our HappyBunny that we all know and care about.

  4. dseagirl said,

    May 31, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    Hello beautiful! I’m sorry I’ve been “away” for so long. I miss our talks! As for finding your hope — I know prayer is difficult for you right now. I would suggest keeping a gratitude journal… every single day, write down something you are thankful for… maybe some days you’ll have 1 thing on the list, other days you’ll have a multitude of things you are grateful for. By keeping this journal, you will realize the blessings in your life… this can help the hope return. I had to do this for myself after I had Maegan and then suffered the 3 miscarriages… I was beginning to fall into a depression… I was hateful, I was resentful… I was angry. Stopping and looking at the blessings of my life really changed my thinking and helped me through.

    As for your son… he definitely cannot be what defines happiness and hope in your life… that’s a lot to put on a little one, and a lot of pressure to put on yourself. You do the best you can by him, you love him and you bring him up knowing what is right and wrong… knowing that he is not a victim due to his situation… but rather that in his life he has many blessings in spite of the things that didn’t go correctlyor how you or he had hoped. This will be good for both of you.

    I love you, Torbunny! Hang in there, and know there is a plan for your life… it’s easy to lose hope, but it can be found again. You’ve got to willingly change your mind and adjust your expectations… I know you are tired, and I don’t blame you. You can pull yourself out, and eventually you will be able to turn back to God for direction… and He is still there, always there, He never leaves us… it’s us that leave Him because we start thinking “I’ve got this!” We don’t got this! By the way, I recommend reading “The Shack” if you haven’t read it yet. Wonderful book, and may help you have a different outlook. It’s a fiction book, but it is fantastic.

    Email me anytime! xo


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