many lives
In a conversation with a friend recently, we got to talking about the number of times we’d started over or had our lives veer in different directions to the point it felt like we’d had several separate lives. It was such an interesting thought to *me* that I thought I’d try to recall my different paths ..
The first is easy enough – childhood, obviously! The longest I lived anywhere ever, the years from 2 – 11 were spent in a suburban neighbourhood of a large city. I had a small group of friends & spent most March Breaks visiting well-loved & much loving grandparents. I was a somewhat shy girl, but involved in many school activities & groups.
My second “life” of my teen years were markedly different. A number of things occurred within a short period of time & I went into a very bad depression. There was a move, a new school, a change of friends (I had all of 2 actually! 
) and well, we’ll just leave it that this was not a good period of my life.
The third life saw another move, another new school, a new small group of friends, my first boyfriend and a very introverted personality. I didn’t get involved in *anything* beyond work & the boyfriend at this point. It carried through to 1st year university where I was still involved with the by-now abusive boyfriend. I worked as a lifeguard & swimming instructor throughout this “life”.
I dropped the boyfriend at the end of 1st year, by second year had changed the name I used, moved (again!), got involved in a *bunch* of stuff and became very outgoing. That’s what .. life 4?
Life 5 involved a serious relationship that had me focusing just on him & his circle & not having contact with any of my previous friends. Not very healthy, huh? I think there were 2 more moves in there? Worked as a section editor for the school newspaper (another job I thoroughly enjoyed!)
Life 6 was the end of university & that relationship, another move and my first “real” job, working in the Marketing industry.
When I lost my job, I decided to start all over in a new city & with new friends. I spent a little time working as a portrait photographer for a large department store & really enjoyed that job. During this “life” I ran a BBS & taught myself the basics of html coding so there’s the geek roots showing for ya!
Life 8 had the boyfriend from life 5 re-entering my life with news of the death of a mutual friend. Somehow out of that, we got back together, I moved cities again & changed jobs again, ending up working for the MTO & once again found my social life revolving around him & his family & friends.
There’s a definite bridge between that life and the next, but it’s not enough to be a life of it’s own…. so we’ll call life 9 another move of cities, a new job that actually felt like a career move rather than “just a job” and an increased comfort in my own skin.
Life 10 is pretty much the one with my ex-husband … we moved cities, I started another new job, his girls were a major part of our lives for a time …. and obviously, that’s also when The Child came into my life 
The marriage ending meant the need to move again though ast least not as far & it meant different friends though not a different job. So maybe we’ll call that 10b or Aftermath ….
Losing that last job was very rough .. that life felt like purgatory!
This last move has meant leaving yet more friends behind, and of course making new friends. I’m in a completely different sector, living in a very different environment, and so far it’s an interesting Life!
… so that’s a good dozen for me! … whew!
hardly a Book Binge
I suppose technically I have until midnight tonight to wrap up the April Book Binge .. and while I have been known to manage a novel in a day, it’s not gonna happen today, so updating now. What an abysmal month for reading for me! I think this has to be one of my all time lows for number of books read in a month! Anyways, here’s my list:
The Red Tent – Anita Diamont
The Nanny Diaries – Emma McLaughlin & Nicola Kraus
Dogs & Goddesses – Jennifer Cruise, Anne Stuart & Lani Diane Rich
I am Legend - Richard Matheson
A Crowded Marriage – Catharine Alliott
(a friend’s novel)
Mother Country – Libby Purves
yep, that’s just 7 … didn’t parrticularly enjoy I Am Legend, *loved* The Red Tend & really enjoyed my friend’s novel – had me laughing out loud a few times, which is always good & the rest were light enough reads, so at least the quality is ok.
where did the month go?
It may not be quite over yet, but boy, has April gone by quickly! I feel like I didn’t manage to accomplish much this month … didn’t read or knit as much as I’d hoped, the house is less organized than I’d like, I didn’t get out to a seminar series as planned. My taxes aren’t done yet (though that *will* be remedied this weekend), the snow tires still need to come off the car …. lots of *undone* things this month!
But … then I remember what I *was* doing. Spending time with The Child – we’ve played frisbee and catch and board games and read together and gone to the park and been a couple new places. I started, and made great progress on a more challenging-for-me bit of lace knitting. As the snow melted, life returned to our little pond and The Child & I have enjoyed Frawg watching. Lunch has been spent taking time for walks again. Over the month I’ve made some new acquaintances and what I think is going to be a *very* special friendship indeed.
Guess April showers grow more than just flowers!
Needs & Wants
I need …. to be touched more
I want … to be kissed more
I need … to be more gentle with myself
I want… to be someone’s sweetheart, baby, sweet honey-child, sweet bunneh
I need … to replace my car (ugh!)
I want … to have more fun
I need …. to remind myself of the treasures I *do* have
I want … a new mac book (and if I’m being even *less* realisitc, why not go for a probook, lol)
I need … more hugs
I want … whispered nothings
I need … to take more pictures
I need … a working camera! again on the less realistic side, I’d wish for Nikon D80
I want … to laugh more
I need … to worry less
I want … to feel freer
I need … a *real* vacation
I want … to dance in the rain
I need … to remember to be silly
I want … more *real life* friends
I need… more real life friends
I want … to travel
I need… to start saving money, however little
I want … to not always feel like I *have* to be so strong
……
when *do* you throw caution to the wind?
I feel like I’ve spent the last several years of my life holding back.
When my marriage ended, I went through grief, anger and even numbness. I think I allowed the numb stage too much of a hold .. I didn’t see the point in holding onto anger, disappointment or betrayal … but I think I slowed the healing process down in not allowing myself to sooner *feel* the full force of these things. Is it really “bad’ to give into sorrw and anger and such “negative” emotions? . I wonder if I’d tossed caution and restraint out the window if I might have been able to truly feel free of that part of my past sooner?
I just wonder … is it better to use caution with matters of the heart and with finances and really, one’s life? I don’t mean to suggest that living in wild abandon is the way to go .. but I wonder if being so *careful* is good .. at least for me? In the last 5 or so years I feel I’ve moderated myself so much. It’s certainly not good to rack up thousands of dollars in debt trying to keep abreast of the latest and greatest gadgets .. but a little debt for the sake of a few things that would bring greater connection, and that would allow some indulgence of passions and hobbies – would that be a bad thing?
I’ve not really got myself “out there” so to speak … haven’t dated, haven’t sought out much in the way of new *real life* groups or activities. In 5 years, there’s been less than half a dozen adult nights out .. and I don’t think that’s a good thing. It’s easy to blame it on not having the money to go out, or wanting to be careful about who I meet, or worrying about The Child, or thinking I needed to sort myself out first … but I think I have had enough of the introspection .. I think no one is ever “done” .. there’s not going to be some perfect point to find someone … I think I’m in a much better place than I was and maybe I need to stop expecting myself to get everything figured out before I take a step forward ….
Does waiting make the reward sweeter? Or does it mean the reward never comes?
There’ll always be reasons *not* to do things, not to spend the money, not to take the chance, not to give one’s heart….
but I think perhaps I’ve kept my desires, longings, wants, wishes *too* tightly in check …..
I think I spend too much time worrying and not enough time *doing* .. I think .. I need to let go of fear and let go of this unrealistic idea of perfection I’ve been trying to push myself towards ….
it’s past time to let in some more laughter, fun, joy and love ….
Pondering
People are just amazing creatures, aren’t they? To me, humans are such complex beings …
It amazes me how I am constantly finding joy in finding good in others, how uplifting are the stories of grace, forgiveness, triumph, endurance, courage, bravery and so on.
and at the same time, I frequently find myself unhappily surprised at the capacity for people to cause great hurt …
I wonder sometimes if it’s good to feel so deeply; I’ve been told I’m too sensitive and been questioned why I’d shed tears over a stranger, but you know what, I think this would be a much better world if we all *could* feel empathy for one another.
For now, I’m working on making peace with myself. I’ve spent too long trying to numb myself, trying to bury my feelings and re-make myself in ways I’ll just never be. It’s hard to think I can’t *do* much about so very many of the wrongs, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop letting myself *feel*. And on the other side of the spectrum, I’m not willing to deny myself the great happiness that can be found.
Passion for life, the joys, the laughter, the tears, the love, the heart-thumping moments … this is what I once again am hoping to embrace….
Book Binge Time Again!
Yay, book binge time again!
i first heard about this on the blog ”It’s Not All Mary Poppins“
The rules for this are simple:
1. For the month of April, keep track of the books you read.
2. On May 1, post your list on your blog.
- You may include books you re-read, so long as you re-read them in between April 1 and 30.
- You may also include books you start but don’t finish, just note the page at which you gave it up. Something like, “Quit, page 47 of 322″.
- Children’s books must be at least 125 pages long to be counted. (Books you read to your children, if they are at least 125 pages, would also count.)
If you wish to participate, leave a comment with link here, or on “Mary’s” blog here.
Punny Stuff
not sure what the origin of these are, but thought I’d share
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
things that drive me nuts
stolen borrowed from another blogger
random things that contribute to my nuttiness
- bed sheets that won’t stay on the mattress (stole this one, SO agree!)
- dog hair
- running out of coffee
- poeple trying to have a conversation with me before my first coffee of the day
- my favourite mug breaking
- attitude &/or whining from The Child
- slow drivers
- bad drivers
- low water pressure showers
- not enough milk for my coffee
- having only dial-up available where i live
- that i’m a control freak
- not being able to find a clean spoon
- never-ending laundry
- people who fail to follow-through
- lies
- the neighbour’s dog who thinks my lawn is his personal toilet
- my broken digital camera & lack of funds to replace/fix
- not being able to figure out why my pc’s modem won’t work
- still not being able to replace my mac that died last year
- the faults i feel like i *should* be able to do something about
Random things about me
Some random things you may not know about me …
- I was born in Suffern, NY
- There was a time in my life when I’d moved as many times as I was years old
- All but the last move was within Southwestern Ontario
- I don’t know how to drive standard, but would love to learn
- I don’t watch tv (don’t even subscribe to cable)
- I love to read. I am a voracious reader. In Kindergarten, I’d read every book in the room within the first month. By grade 2 I was reading at a grade 4 level.
- I ran a BBS for a couple years. yes, I really am that geeky.
- I taught myself html because I was bored. see above.
- I purchased myh first computer in the early 80’s and knew it inside and out
- I went to computer camp as a kid. see point 7 again.
- I love to cook & bake, but not for myself
- I miss all the little things that come in a relationship
- I don’t miss my ex
- I wish I knew the names of more constellations
- The pet I miss the most is my cat Socrates, a black kitty with white paws who loved to play fetch
- I love walking through the woods. I prefer to go by myself or with someone who doesn’t feel the need to always fill the air with small talk.
- I smoked during university and then again for a couple of years after my marriage ended.
- I wrote a lot of poetry from childhood to university days. I don’t know why I stopped, and the few times I’ve tried since, it’s been *work* rather than passion fueling me, so I stopped.
- I feel like passion is missing from my life in general these days. This makes me sad.
- I’m an introvert but I love people
- I had the *perfect* pair of cowboy boots in university but they wore out and I’ve never been able to find a pair just as right since
- Every winter I forget just how much S.A.D. kicks my butt
- I worked in a portrait studio for a while. I much prefered the dogs that came in to many of the people!
- I have never received a speeding ticket. Though I muchly deserve it!
- When I was a young teen, I went through a bad bout of insomnia. I used to call up local dj’s in the wee hours of the morning to have someone to talk to.
- My favourite summer memories are of learning to sail. I will get to do some sailing this summer and can’t wait
- I’m scared of spiders, but not snakes.
- I loved horror movies as a teen, but have no interest now .. unless it’s a B movie
- My music tastes are very ecclectc. I love blues especially but rarely listen to them. I flip between classic rock, new country & alternative on the radio dial.
- I go to church, but wonder if I should …
no particular reason for stopping there, just figured I`d quit before people got bored, lol!
