Blues

I seem to have started the New Year off with a bad case of The Blues.

It’s so hard to know how much of it is SAD, post-holiday blues, dealing with my ongoing health issues, and how much is Depression rearing it’s ugly head.

I don’t talk about my Depression much.  I was taught it was something to be ashamed of, that I should be able to “pull up my socks”, “shake it off”, “think of all the things (I) should be grateful for”, “just DECIDE to be happy!”.

You know what. It does NOT work THAT WAY!

This is a Medical Condition.  It is a Disease just as much as my RA is a disease, just as much as someone else’s Diabetes is a disease.  I CAN’T control the feelings of sadness or flatness or bleah that overwhelm me.  It can be anything from a dull achey kind of depression to a “I wish I could just dissappear” kind of feeling.  It’s sudden teariness over a sad song, or cute picture, or just completely from nowhere.  It’s not wanting to get out of my jammies.  For two days straight.  Maybe more.  It’s not being able to make myself leave the house.  It’s barely eating, only managing to make sure the kiddo is getting decently fed.  It’s not wanting to talk on the phone.

It’s chatting online and feeling so fake every time I write “lol”.  It’s not wanting to pick up the knitting needles, or maybe it’s eating all the cookies, or maybe it’s sitting on my bed with one sock on for the last 30 minutes.

It’s trying not to listen to the “shoulds” in my head telling me I should shake it off, that I should be thankful for what I DO have, telling me I need to just get outside and get some fresh air. It’s trying not to beat myself up for eating those cookies, or trying to chase away the voice that says I’m alays going to be alone.

It’s spending too long online hoping somehow to connect to someone, hoping somehow to feel less alone, less isolated, to be able to believe somebody cares.

It’s the rational mind fighting the emotions.  One part of the brain trying to say “You DO have friends, you are NOT alone, others go through this, you CAN get through, it WILL get better”, all the while the part in charge of the emotions is screaming “then when am I going to FEEL better? Why do I FEEL so alone? Why am I so SAD and ANXIOUS and feeling so OUT of resources” Why do I feel so low, so blue?

*sigh*

 

 

 

I’m scared to post this.

 

I’m gonna anyways.

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7 Comments

  1. January 3, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    I totally understand and am RIGHT THERE with you. I’ve had a BAD year with it. I WAS taking medication for it but it wasn’t really helping. Weaned off it and feel even deeper in for a while. I went for WEEKS not leaving the house, yet feeling trapped because I never got out. Feeling totally alone and lonely, yet knowing I have a wonderful Husband and a fabulous kiddo by my side. Kicking my own ass for being so ungrateful and unhappy when I have no right to it.

    Then I owned it. I’m making myself get dressed every day. MAKING myself get out more. (Thursday I start going to a knitting group I found locally). It’s hard. It’s a push. But I DO feel better for doing it.

    We’ll find our way through. We’re both strong women. Stronger than we give ourselves credit for a lot of the time. We CAN beat this back and I’ll grab you by the hand any time you want to help you hold on. The trick is, being able to ask. Email me. Call me. PP me. Whatever. I’m here honey!

  2. ivy said,

    January 8, 2012 at 10:52 am

    this is also me :)
    *hugs*
    (lunamist from Rav)

  3. Kara said,

    January 9, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    “It’s spending too long online hoping somehow to connect to someone, hoping somehow to feel less alone, less isolated, to be able to believe somebody cares.”

    This is me every day. I constantly check my email and facebook just to see if someone has tried to make a connection. But at the same time I’m too afraid to go “outside” and make new connections. I know I should join a knitting group or even go to the gym but I make so many excuses.

  4. March 24, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Hugs to you. You aren’t alone. If you email me your address I’ll send you some mail art. :)

  5. Norma Hunt said,

    May 9, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    SWEETIE I am sorry I havent read this until now. I have missed you on Plurk. I too have struggled with depression. STILL pops up at worst times and tag teams with anxiety.
    Funny thing everyone thinks I am so strong and happy HAH! if only they really knew me.

  6. JessicaB said,

    May 11, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    You have put this so well. It’s not something you can control. It’s a disease, and you can’t just shake it off. And it’s not something to be ashamed of, either. There is such a stigma about mental issues, and getting help for them, but no one blames a diabetes patient for taking insulin.

    (((((hugs)))))

    Love you lots, lady.

    ~ rathgrith

  7. Debbe Bloom said,

    June 30, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    Have been there too many times….I hear you and I understand. Medication finally was the thing that worked for me…been off it for 10 years now, but for the 5 years I was on it, it saved my life.


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