Bunny’s Babblings

it’s amazing how certain patterns emerge in our lives …… i read an interesting poem once where the author talked about going down a road, falling into a ditch, pulling herself out & continuing on. She talks about going down the same road, falling in the same ditch, picking herself up quicker. Next time she walks around the ditch. but then, THEN she picks a different road. It’s much better reaing it her way but I’m too lazy to google tonight to see if it’s floating in cyberspace somewhere. anyways, this is about my experience going dwn the same raod again and again for the longest time.

the first trip down the road I was maybe 10 years old. innocent. just barely into the stage of boys NOT being icky. there was this boy. son of good friends of my parents. we all went to the same church. we held hands. kissed. then. he … pushed. pushed me into things i knew nothing about. i learned about a new kind of fear and shame. it stopped short of rape, but it was an incredible loss of innocence.

the next trip down the road i was about 13. hungry for affection, i was looking in the wrong places. put myself in dangerous situations. put into a position of again doing something i didn’t want to. it was a little thing, a small bump but it was a bump on that same road.

the next trip down the road was longer. 17. thought i was in love. followed him to University. let him take over much of my life. let him separate me fomr my friends, my family. believed him when he told me no one else would ever want me. when he told me i was stupid. when he tore me down. thought i deserved it when name-callign escalated to a punch on the arm. then came the night when i sat cowering in the corner of his room after the first unequivocally underserved hit.

still i seemed to fated to walk that same road. at 19, enjoying the feeling of freedom, enjoying the attentions of a young man, allowed myself to be talked back to his dorm room for “one more for the road”. things lead into yet another unwanted situation ……i said no …… he didn’t listen. that one hurt much more. “date rape: wasn’t a term much used then; I thought I was wrong for drinking, for flirting, for kissing him.

another trip down the road shortly after. another case of putting myself in a dangerous situation. this one was the worst yet, the one that’s left aftermath that may never be entirely gone. i’m not sure if i ever knew his name. i remember being scared, feelign helpless, being completely aware. i was greatful to walk away from that one with as little physical damage as i did.

just had to go down the road AGAIN …. this time a long journey ….. a on again-off-again relationship that almost completely destroyed me. ripped apart what little self-esteem was left. reduced me to feeling an insignificant piece of meat. i lived in terror the last few months of that relationship. still wonder how my life would bedifferent today if there’d been room in the woman’s shelter. still, i did get out.

abused. molested. raped.

over and over.

I know how not to go down THAT road of my own choice …… I know so much more now than I did then. I know I don’t now and never did deserve any of that. the ripples though, they still move through my life.