Plurk Bookswap!
One of the lovely people I’ve come to know on plurk , Ms. Pritcharddesign, started a thread relating to books that got me to thinking how much fun it might be to do a plurk bookswap! so….. here we go!
Hopefully this makes sense to everyone! All you need to do to participate is contact me either by leaving a comment or by e-mail at tori dot martin at gmail dot com. Please provide your plurk handle, your e-mail, City & State/Province and country, whether you’re willing to ship out-of-country and a list of up to 5 books you’d be willing to swap. Let me know if you’d prefer me to list your books under your e-mail addy or your plurk handle for folks to be able to contact you.
I’ll close submissions on June 12th & then post a comprehensive list. Anyone who posts a book offer is welcome to browse through the final lists to see what they’d like & then contact the current owner for arranging an exchange.
At that point, I’ll leave it up to the owner of the books to decide if they’d like to trade for something on the contacter’s list, or if they simply want to forward on a book (or more) and hope to find something they like elsewhere, or simply decline the request.
Happy book swapping!
strep AGAIN!
insert whatever bad words of choice you’d like here ….
I cannot *quite* wrap my head around the fact that I am dealing with strep yet *again*. This time, for *added* fun, a stomach virus decided to hit at the same time. Way TMI moment: it hurts like BLOODY hell throwing up when your throat is swollen most of the way shut & feeling like it’s been scraped raw with low grade sandpaper. ow-fricken-ow!
As there are no walk-in clinics anywhere near where I live & as my dr couldn’t fit me in ’til next month, it was off to the ER with me. The doc walked in, I told him I was sure it was strep & why. He took one look at my poor throat and wanted to know why in the world I still had my tonsils. He whipped up a scrip for some super-antibiotics and wrote me a note for work and sent me on my way.
I seem to be much slower this time is getting over it. The tiredness is horrible – a trip to the grocery store yesterday, day 3 of meds, had me close to keeling over in the aisles. I probably should not have been driving 
So my long weekend is being spent mostly in bed. sleeping. not fun!
next step; get a referral for a surgeon to see about getting the darn tonsils OUT!
more random writing
cryin’
some days come easy,
some days you just kinda muddle through
some days laughter comes easy and love seems to be everywhere you turn
some days you force a laugh just to save yourself from crying
some days the sillies overtake and nothing can bring a frown
some days the darkness creeps in and grabs a hold of you
wraps you in its bitter embrace and hangs on tight
some days the tears seem but a blink away
and some days nothing can keep them away
random poetry
longing for soft sweet kisses,
and lingering caresses
hungry kisses.
aching for touches soft and delicate
the feel of hands sliding across bare skin
or plunging through hair and pulling head in tight.
desire sweeping in,
pushing away thought and reason
simply being … living … loving.
roller coaster
the roller coaster of life is very bizarre …..
long, flat stretches …. long dips where you never think you’re gonna climb out again …. a succession of very quick ups & downs …. it sure seems though that the peaks go by way too quick and the exhiliration is far too-short-lived.
some days the bumps are thrilling, others they turn a stomach inside-out.
sometimes it seems easier to enjoy the ride, other times it’s hard not to wish for it to be different .. or at least at a different point.
right now, i feel like i am trying hard to pull up out of a long dip down … there’s been a few short, quick ups, but i dunno … it feels like this ride needs some more maintenance to get it running smoothly.
maybe i need to be able to say screw it more, maybe i need to be less self-critical and harsh …. maybe i need to learn to be more thankful for what i *do* have …
yet right now, i just feel like i’m wobbling along on the track, not getting it “right’ and not sure where to tune-up …
*sigh*
many lives
In a conversation with a friend recently, we got to talking about the number of times we’d started over or had our lives veer in different directions to the point it felt like we’d had several separate lives. It was such an interesting thought to *me* that I thought I’d try to recall my different paths ..
The first is easy enough – childhood, obviously! The longest I lived anywhere ever, the years from 2 – 11 were spent in a suburban neighbourhood of a large city. I had a small group of friends & spent most March Breaks visiting well-loved & much loving grandparents. I was a somewhat shy girl, but involved in many school activities & groups.
My second “life” of my teen years were markedly different. A number of things occurred within a short period of time & I went into a very bad depression. There was a move, a new school, a change of friends (I had all of 2 actually! 
) and well, we’ll just leave it that this was not a good period of my life.
The third life saw another move, another new school, a new small group of friends, my first boyfriend and a very introverted personality. I didn’t get involved in *anything* beyond work & the boyfriend at this point. It carried through to 1st year university where I was still involved with the by-now abusive boyfriend. I worked as a lifeguard & swimming instructor throughout this “life”.
I dropped the boyfriend at the end of 1st year, by second year had changed the name I used, moved (again!), got involved in a *bunch* of stuff and became very outgoing. That’s what .. life 4?
Life 5 involved a serious relationship that had me focusing just on him & his circle & not having contact with any of my previous friends. Not very healthy, huh? I think there were 2 more moves in there? Worked as a section editor for the school newspaper (another job I thoroughly enjoyed!)
Life 6 was the end of university & that relationship, another move and my first “real” job, working in the Marketing industry.
When I lost my job, I decided to start all over in a new city & with new friends. I spent a little time working as a portrait photographer for a large department store & really enjoyed that job. During this “life” I ran a BBS & taught myself the basics of html coding so there’s the geek roots showing for ya!
Life 8 had the boyfriend from life 5 re-entering my life with news of the death of a mutual friend. Somehow out of that, we got back together, I moved cities again & changed jobs again, ending up working for the MTO & once again found my social life revolving around him & his family & friends.
There’s a definite bridge between that life and the next, but it’s not enough to be a life of it’s own…. so we’ll call life 9 another move of cities, a new job that actually felt like a career move rather than “just a job” and an increased comfort in my own skin.
Life 10 is pretty much the one with my ex-husband … we moved cities, I started another new job, his girls were a major part of our lives for a time …. and obviously, that’s also when The Child came into my life
The marriage ending meant the need to move again though ast least not as far & it meant different friends though not a different job. So maybe we’ll call that 10b or Aftermath ….
Losing that last job was very rough .. that life felt like purgatory!
This last move has meant leaving yet more friends behind, and of course making new friends. I’m in a completely different sector, living in a very different environment, and so far it’s an interesting Life!
… so that’s a good dozen for me! … whew!
hardly a Book Binge
I suppose technically I have until midnight tonight to wrap up the April Book Binge .. and while I have been known to manage a novel in a day, it’s not gonna happen today, so updating now. What an abysmal month for reading for me! I think this has to be one of my all time lows for number of books read in a month! Anyways, here’s my list:
The Red Tent – Anita Diamont
The Nanny Diaries – Emma McLaughlin & Nicola Kraus
Dogs & Goddesses – Jennifer Cruise, Anne Stuart & Lani Diane Rich
I am Legend - Richard Matheson
A Crowded Marriage – Catharine Alliott
(a friend’s novel)
Mother Country – Libby Purves
yep, that’s just 7 … didn’t parrticularly enjoy I Am Legend, *loved* The Red Tend & really enjoyed my friend’s novel – had me laughing out loud a few times, which is always good & the rest were light enough reads, so at least the quality is ok.
where did the month go?
It may not be quite over yet, but boy, has April gone by quickly! I feel like I didn’t manage to accomplish much this month … didn’t read or knit as much as I’d hoped, the house is less organized than I’d like, I didn’t get out to a seminar series as planned. My taxes aren’t done yet (though that *will* be remedied this weekend), the snow tires still need to come off the car …. lots of *undone* things this month!
But … then I remember what I *was* doing. Spending time with The Child – we’ve played frisbee and catch and board games and read together and gone to the park and been a couple new places. I started, and made great progress on a more challenging-for-me bit of lace knitting. As the snow melted, life returned to our little pond and The Child & I have enjoyed Frawg watching. Lunch has been spent taking time for walks again. Over the month I’ve made some new acquaintances and what I think is going to be a *very* special friendship indeed.
Guess April showers grow more than just flowers!
Needs & Wants
I need …. to be touched more
I want … to be kissed more
I need … to be more gentle with myself
I want… to be someone’s sweetheart, baby, sweet honey-child, sweet bunneh
I need … to replace my car (ugh!)
I want … to have more fun
I need …. to remind myself of the treasures I *do* have
I want … a new mac book (and if I’m being even *less* realisitc, why not go for a probook, lol)
I need … more hugs
I want … whispered nothings
I need … to take more pictures
I need … a working camera! again on the less realistic side, I’d wish for Nikon D80
I want … to laugh more
I need … to worry less
I want … to feel freer
I need … a *real* vacation
I want … to dance in the rain
I need … to remember to be silly
I want … more *real life* friends
I need… more real life friends
I want … to travel
I need… to start saving money, however little
I want … to not always feel like I *have* to be so strong
……
when *do* you throw caution to the wind?
I feel like I’ve spent the last several years of my life holding back.
When my marriage ended, I went through grief, anger and even numbness. I think I allowed the numb stage too much of a hold .. I didn’t see the point in holding onto anger, disappointment or betrayal … but I think I slowed the healing process down in not allowing myself to sooner *feel* the full force of these things. Is it really “bad’ to give into sorrw and anger and such “negative” emotions? . I wonder if I’d tossed caution and restraint out the window if I might have been able to truly feel free of that part of my past sooner?
I just wonder … is it better to use caution with matters of the heart and with finances and really, one’s life? I don’t mean to suggest that living in wild abandon is the way to go .. but I wonder if being so *careful* is good .. at least for me? In the last 5 or so years I feel I’ve moderated myself so much. It’s certainly not good to rack up thousands of dollars in debt trying to keep abreast of the latest and greatest gadgets .. but a little debt for the sake of a few things that would bring greater connection, and that would allow some indulgence of passions and hobbies – would that be a bad thing?
I’ve not really got myself “out there” so to speak … haven’t dated, haven’t sought out much in the way of new *real life* groups or activities. In 5 years, there’s been less than half a dozen adult nights out .. and I don’t think that’s a good thing. It’s easy to blame it on not having the money to go out, or wanting to be careful about who I meet, or worrying about The Child, or thinking I needed to sort myself out first … but I think I have had enough of the introspection .. I think no one is ever “done” .. there’s not going to be some perfect point to find someone … I think I’m in a much better place than I was and maybe I need to stop expecting myself to get everything figured out before I take a step forward ….
Does waiting make the reward sweeter? Or does it mean the reward never comes?
There’ll always be reasons *not* to do things, not to spend the money, not to take the chance, not to give one’s heart….
but I think perhaps I’ve kept my desires, longings, wants, wishes *too* tightly in check …..
I think I spend too much time worrying and not enough time *doing* .. I think .. I need to let go of fear and let go of this unrealistic idea of perfection I’ve been trying to push myself towards ….
it’s past time to let in some more laughter, fun, joy and love ….
